Can an Open Relationship Ever Work?
Most people in the West think of monogamous relationships as the norm, with two people committed to each other until death do they part - or at least for as long as they stay together. This might have been realistic when our lifespan was 35 years, but with people living well into their 80s now, it may not be a question of if a person has an affair in their relationship, but rather when.
This has led couples to consider what are termed "open relationships". The core relationship is still the main one, but the couple gives permission for each other to try something new.
It may seem too threatening to the core relationship — what if they meet someone they like better? In other cases, it might actually save the relationship, giving the couple the chance to explore fantasies without sneaking around or feeling guilty. It can give a whole new spice to things at home and avoids one of the main issues of infidelity: lying to your partner repeatedly.
Monogamy versus Polygamy
About 70% of societies around the world are polygamous. In the US, up to 50% of marriages end in divorce, with 30% citing infidelity as the reason. Having an open relationship decreases the risk of losing a committed relationship because of what might be just a fun fling, engaged in once and quickly forgotten. Flirtation and experimentation don’t have to be deal breakers, but ways of ensuring each person is getting what they need so that they are much more likely to stay together.
Setting Boundaries
In order to make an open relationship work, there will need to be very clearly set boundaries. In an age of AIDS and various sexually transmitted diseases, safety has to come first. Imagine the nightmare of not knowing which partner gave you an STD. Birth control should be another must.
Then there is the issue of not "doing it on your own doorstep". Work colleagues and neighbors should generally be considered off limits so that nothing gets messy when things end. We’ve all heard of wife swapping parties, but there are clear reasons why this might cause a lot of awkwardness and even bad feeling.
To Share or Not to Share
Then there is the question of sharing, such as in a threesome or more, with the couple and a third party invited to spice things up. There is also the question of how much you tell each other about your activities. If one person starts to act secretive about what they are doing, this could be a red flag that something serious is going on. At the same time, you don’t want to flaunt things because it could make your partner feel resentful or jealous.
Every Couple Is Different
We’ve heard in the gossip columns recently about Hollywood couples who have open relationships. In most cases, we think it would never be for us and can’t imagine living that way. But many people do. While it is true that fear and jealousy can still arise even in a consensual open relationship, it is also true that not making it about you, but about your partner’s fulfillment can offset these feelings. And of course, you have the freedom to indulge as well.
People in open relationships usually have enough confidence not to compare themselves to other people or panic at the thought that the "other" might be prettier, fitter, or better in bed than they are. It is a case of understanding life is a journey, and that the core relationship is built on a lot more than just sex.
Do's and Don'ts for Maintaining Intimacy in a Relationship
Everyone dreams of meeting the right person and falling in love. That is, until the dream becomes a nightmare. For many, there is nothing more painful than the break-up of a relationship, especially if the cause is infidelity.
There is a reason it is called being unfaithful, and cheating. The other person is pulling away their loyalty from their partner, and taking away what a romantic partner has a reasonable right to expect: emotional and physical intimacy. It is very hard to be warm and open to someone else when you know you are lying to them. Similarly, it is difficult to feel happy with a person you know has been lying to you and sharing things with another person that they should have been sharing with you.
With 50% of marriages ending in divorce and nearly 30% of those citing infidelity at the cause, here are some do’s and don’ts for maintaining intimacy in a relationship.
Do Schedule Quality Time Together
This should allow for fun, romance and sex. It can take women in particular a while to feel appreciated and get in the mood.
Don’t Make It All about Sex
Emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy. Trying to press for sex as the goal of each intimate encounter will lead to resentment and frustration.
Do Understand That "No" Means No to Sex, Not to You as a Person
People have to be in the mood to have sex, really good sex. Stress at work, health issues and so on can impair this. It is important to realize that if the other person is not in the mood, they are not trying to be mean or hurtful; they are being true to the way they feel.
Don’t Pass Up Opportunities for Sex If You Are in the Mood and It Is Practical
It can be tough if you are in a public place or the house is full of kids, but if you and your partner feel the urge, try to make time for it.
Do Have Rituals as a Couple
Birthdays and anniversaries are not just for the greeting card companies. They are rituals that mark the passing of time and how solid you are as a couple.
Don’t Skimp on Alone Time
It can be easy to push your partnership to the back burner when things get tough at work, but remember that you and your partner are a team and in this together. They will miss you if you are too busy to spend some time with them, and over time, that can lead to resentment. The classic example is a busy executive who works all the hours he can to provide for his family only to come home one day and found out the spouse and kids are gone because they were tired of waiting to become a priority.
Learn Each Other’s Love Language
Marriage counsellor Gary Chapman has put forward the idea of five love languages, with everyone having a primary and secondary love language. He believes couples lack intimacy because they are waiting to hear their love language. If they don’t, they basically ignore the communication and no intimacy occurs.
Two of the love languages are acts of service, and quality time spent together. If we look again at the story of the busy executive, we can see that his love was expressed as an act of service, but his wife wanted quality time.
We can’t always act in a way contrary to our own notion of showing love, but we can be conscious of what the other person values as intimacy and try to make some adjustments.
How Infidelity Affects Children
When it comes to the topic of infidelity, people mostly focus on how it affects the two partners in the relationship. However, if there are children involved, they can be equally devastated, if not more so, for different reasons.
Disrupting the Family
You may not tell children about the other person’s affair, especially if they are younger, but they will sense that something is going on and may react to it at school or home by acting out, becoming more clingy, or seeming less self-confident and secure. They might overhear arguments, or worse still, the unfaithful person on the phone with their lover.
If the situation has got to the point of separation and divorce, the whole family dynamic will change. They might be closer to the guilty parent and blame the innocent one for "driving them away". They might also feel the guilty parent doesn’t love them anymore because they have decided to divorce and leave them behind.
Embarrassment
Lots of kids idolize mom and dad and like to think they have the perfect family. Separation and divorce will dent that. So too will finding out about the infidelity, which is cheating, breaking the rules, and hurting the innocent party. Children will often try to cover up what is happening at home, but it will usually manifest as changed behavior.
Taking Sides
The child may take sides whether the innocent party wants them to or not. It is true that some very hurt and angry spouses can say a lot of nasty things about the cheater. This might make the child take sides, but it can also make them feel torn and divided in loyalties. Do they have to stop loving dad or mom because they did this bad thing?
Custody battles can make this worse. Some kids might not understand what is happening, or not care, and want to go live with the guilty party.
The trouble with this is it would require a lot of organization on the adults' part, and if they are leaving to be with their lover, chances are the lover is not banking on sharing their new life with a seven-year-old who is going to wet the bed because they are so traumatized by the break-up of their family unit. If that parent says no, it can lead to feelings of rejection that can last a lifetime.
Confusion
Children are expected to follow the rules, so why are parents allowed to break them? What do they mean, they don’t love mommy or daddy anymore? Kids in this situation might start to test their boundaries, and not trust other people as a result of this confusion.
Dealing with Anger in the Household
A household with marital discord is usually an angry household. The innocent blames the guilty and the guilty blames the innocent, as if it is their fault the cheater went so far as to be unfaithful. The child or children can be angry at everyone, especially if they lose their home, school, neighborhood, and friends.
Dealing with Sadness
The wounded party will often feel very sad and might falsely empower their child by saying, "You will have to be the man of the house now". This can lead to a child taking on responsibilities they never should and missing out on their own childhood.
Honesty Can Be the Best Policy
If the child is old enough, tell the truth in as non-judgmental a way as possible. Parents should try to do it together if they can, and answer all questions truthfully. The main thing is to reassure them that no matter what happens, you are still their parents and you love them.
Infidelity - Frequently Asked Questions
The very thought of your partner being unfaithful can be almost overwhelming for even the strongest of people. It can make their heads swim at all of the big questions that suddenly spring to mind that they don’t have answers to. Here are some of the most common questions that can set you on the road to better understanding so you can start to cope with what has happened if you find out your partner has been having an affair.
1. How many marriages/relationships will be affected by infidelity?
Recent studies show that up to 50% of married women and 60% of married men engage in extramarital affairs at some point in their relationships.
2. How often is it a cause of divorce?
Around 50% of marriages end in divorce. Of those, 30% are related to cheating.
3. What are the chances of a couple staying together when there has been infidelity?
It depends on the couple and their circumstances. They might have children, be in business together, or simply can’t afford to get divorced and go back to two separate households.
In addition, there are different levels of tolerance and forgiveness. Those who wanted a "happily ever after" are likely to be more disappointed, hurt and angry than couples who thought about the issue prior to marriage, and to the advent of the affair.
Some couples are more committed than others to what will be a lengthy process of rebuilding trust, with no assurance that things will get better. But if the cheating party is willing to stay and the couple is willing to work on the issues that might have triggered the infidelity in the first place, some can end up happier than ever before.
4. Should the person who had the affair have to "come clean" to try to get back on track, or keep things to themselves?
Openness and honesty are key, however painful it might be to both parties. If the couple is committed to trying to stay together, they need to address the reasons for the affair in the first place. There’s no need for specific details, but it is important to trace the path that led up to the affair, and what ended the affair.
5. What if the unfaithful person can’t or won’t stop seeing the other person?
If they have had an affair with a work colleague, it might be impossible for them not to see that person any more. In other cases, there is an emotional attachment that makes it hard to let go. Clearly, there have to be boundaries. Intimacy of every kind needs to stop if the couple is ever going to truly recover and move on.
6. Is it actually possible for a couple to get over an infidelity?
It will take work, but it is possible. The support of a marriage counselor can help. Over time, it will play on their minds less. It will still be an important milestone, but it can be healthy to consider it as part of a fresh start and a second chance to do things right and be happier than before. It should become less painful for the wounded party, and be the path to greater intimacy.
7. Is it possible to "affair-proof" the relationship?
Unfortunately, no, but by even asking the question in the first place, it shows that you are thinking about your relationship in a realistic manner. This usually means being willing to work on intimacy, honesty, and conflict resolution, amongst other couple skills.
Intimacy is all about sharing, emotionally and physically. Honesty means each couple respecting each other enough to speak the truth in order to be truly intimate. Conflict resolution is all about how you deal with any arguments that might arise. If they push you away from each other, the loss of intimacy can open the door to someone having an affair.
Signs That It's Time to End a Relationship after Infidelity
No one ever likes to think about their wonderful relationship ending, but for many, infidelity is a deal breaker. It is responsible for 30% of divorces. Couples may try to get back to what they had, but it will depend on how forgiving one partner is, and how committed they are to a process of recovery.
If there are kids involved, a couple will often try to patch things up. But if not, or the hurt is too deep, it will be time to end the relationship. Here are some signs to look out for.
1. They say the affair is over, but they are still sneaking around.
2. You feel you just can’t trust them.
3. Life is too short to put up with someone who lies and cheats and is so disrespectful.
4. You know you have something to offer someone who will truly appreciate you.
5. You’ve mulled over the thought of marriage counselling and couples work and decided it is not for you/a waste of energy.
6. The person has changed so much you don’t feel you know them any more.
7. In the course of being with them, you have discovered some character traits you find to be deal breakers. Now that this issue has arisen, you no longer feel you have to be loyal to them or the relationship, and it is time to move on.
8. Things have lost that spark and you are just going through the motions.
9. You have only been staying together for the sake of the kids, but they will grow up and you don’t want to waste any more time with someone who does not deserve you.
10. It’s time to move on to a new chapter in your life.
11. There would be so many conditions and boundaries in giving things another try that the effort will not be worth it.
12. They have been unfaithful before.
13. They’ve promised a lot of things in the past but rarely delivered.
14. You feel like they take you for granted and you are tired of being their doormat.
15. You feel too much hurt and betrayal.
16. Sexual activity with them feels wrong or gross.
17. You can’t stop dwelling on what happened.
18. You find it depressing to be around them.
19. You get angry and sarcastic when you are around them.
20. You don’t feel having this person in your life is a chance for growth and becoming your best self — the opposite is true.
21. You have been roommates only for a long time, not lovers in a committed relationship.
22. The sex isn’t, or has never been, that good.
23. They refuse to take responsibility for what happened.
24. They don’t seem to care what you think or how you feel.
25. You are the main breadwinner in the family and they are taking advantage.
26. They have cleaned out the family financially, and you just can’t afford to have them in your life any more.
27. They are a danger to you, such as through not practicing safe sex, multiple partners, and so on.
28. Your partner has started to become emotionally or physically abusive.
29. You don’t seem to have anything in common any more.
30. Your vision of your future with that person in your life fills you with dread rather than joy and excitement.
It’s never easy to face the end of the relationship, but being honest with yourself is a first step to what will hopefully be a better new life.
Signs That Your Partner Is Being Unfaithful
It’s never a pleasant thing to consider that your partner may be cheating on you, and you don’t like to be suspicious. But if you start to spot a change in typical behavior, here are some of the signs that your partner might be cheating.
They Come Home Later and Later
They used to be home on the stroke of 6 PM. Now it’s 7 PM, dinner is withering in the oven, and you are getting no reply on the cell phone. They could be working harder, or they could be spending quality time with someone else that they could be spending with you. Even if it isn’t sex, emotional infidelity can take its toll as well.
They Start Spending More Time with Work Colleagues, or Exclude You with Guys’ Nights Out
Co-workers are the most likely to start having affairs. They have a lot in common and are emotionally available in many cases because of shared experiences.
Guy-only activities are fine once in a while, but your marriage will start to suffer without quality time together. It’s also pretty gross to think that he might be having an affair and his buddies are covering up for him. Lay down the rules for date night and have the guys over for beers.
They Start Doing Their Own Laundry
This is a clear sign they have something to hide, and more than lipstick on the collar. They might be worried about what evidence could be in their pockets, the smell of perfume, a secret cell phone or credit card, and so on.
Two Cell Phones, and a Lot of Calls Taken in Another Room
This is a sign of sexting and inappropriate phone contact at the very least. It could also be a full-blown affair, with intimate chat and plans to hook up again soon.
A Credit Card You Didn’t Know About
Since most couples share finances these days, this is a clear sign they are trying to hide something. Look out for hotel charges, gifts and so on.
You Rarely Have Sex Any More
This is another clear sign that something has changed in the dynamic of the relationship. It’s not a sure sign of cheating, but it does show a lack of intimacy and perhaps even interest. In particular, pregnant women need to keep an eye on this immediately before and after the baby is born, because it is easy to fall into a rut and men often feel pushed out by the new baby.
Intercourse may be difficult when you are 9 months gone, and is of course forbidden for the first month after (at least) but broadening your definition of sex can keep things exciting.
Actor Christopher Reeve, who became paralyzed after a horse-riding accident, used to talk about the "outercourse" he and his wife Dana happily shared. Explore outercourse with your partner and you could be surprised at how fun and intimate it can be.
They Suddenly Start Buying You Gifts
This is a sign of a guilty conscience for sure. Whether or not it is an affair will be up to your detective skills.
They Spend a Lot of Time Online
It could be porn, online dating sites, or even Facebook. A lot of couples share social media accounts, so it is a pretty foolish place to try to cheat, but if you suddenly start to see odd or spicy messages, there’s clearly a problem and boundaries need to be set. Start by blocking the person sending sleaze and take it from there.
he Most Common Reasons for Infidelity
There are a number of reasons for infidelity. Knowing them can help you know what to look out for, and to be proactive in your relationship so your partner is much less likely to stray.
Easy Temptation
The internet abounds with porn and online dating. It’s much easier to find forbidden fruit and hook up online that it is in the real world. In addition, the fantasy element is compelling for many people — being who they want, doing what they want.
The Acceptability of Infidelity Has Grown
Some dating sites make no bones about their goals: the tag line of Ashley Madison is, "Life is Short. Have an Affair®." But not all relationships are so unhappy that they would trigger an affair. We live in a fast-paced society where instant gratification is essential for some people, so if they can’t get what they want in one place, they will find it elsewhere sooner or later.
Your Partner Is Fair Game
Unfortunately, there are some people who boost their self-esteem by setting their sights on what should be considered unavailable people, such as married men. It is often a power trip to "prove" to themselves how sexy they are.
Unfortunately, it rarely ends well. Once the person gets what they want, they grow bored and break things off. Meanwhile, the marriage is on the rocks and might even be headed for divorce. It’s easy for a person to feel flattered by someone attractive coming on so strong, but the question to ask is: "If they are 'all that', why do they have to chase after anyone, let alone a married person?"
Running Away from Problems
You can either make things right, or make excuses. Unfaithful partners choose the latter. They decide it is easier to confide in someone at work or online, and the emotional infidelity spills over into physical.
It is important to note that statistics show only 4% of affairs ever result in a long-term relationship. More than 70% of cheaters wish they had stuck with their relationship and tried to make it work.
If your partner is spending too much time with co-workers, it’s time to have a talk about intimacy expectations and boundaries.
Personal Services
These are more available than ever before, in person, and even online or over the phone and via text. Sexting and other forms of verbal sexual activity draw people into a fantasy world, and away from their partners. In-person activities such as massages and going out with an escort should be considered infidelity even if no intercourse ever takes place.
Social Media
Facebook has been cited as a contributing factor to about 33% of all divorces. You can meet hot new partners online and connect with old flames, burning down the marriage in the process. The fantasy that the "grass is greener on the other side" is a major cause of marital breakdown, but studies show that relationships that start out as affairs rarely stand the test of time. Those who remarry are more prone to divorce as well. If you start to think the grass is greener, remember that it is all just grass. It’s up to you to do your gardening well.
Boredom
Being bored can lead to an affair. It might be in relation to what is going on in the bedroom, but in many cases, it might be boredom with a routine the couple has fallen into, especially once any children start to come along. Trying to think of fresh, interesting things to do and to spur intimacy can keep things fresh and healthy, so no one is tempted to stray.
Ways to Recover After a Partner Has Cheated
Finding out that your partner has cheated on you can be one of the most devastating experiences of your life. For many people, it isn’t just the sex - it's also the extent of the betrayal.
The reason it is called cheating is because you as the innocent party are being deprived of what you have a reasonable right to expect within a relationship, such as time spent together, physical and emotional intimacy, respect, and so on. Finding out that your partner has been giving these things to another person while you have been doing without can be humiliating and infuriating.
The lying and deception can magnify those feelings even more. It is like you’ve been living with a stranger and don’t even recognize the person you cared for any more.
Recovery Is a Process
Yet it is possible for couples to recover from infidelity, provided they follow a few essential steps.
* Both have to agree they want to try to mend their existing relationship
Affairs rarely come completely out of the blue. There must be some causes and conditions which contributed. Tracing back to them, such as a feeling of neglect after a baby was born, can often help a couple get back on track.
On the other hand, if the cheater has decided the relationship is over and wants to try to start a new life with their lover, there is not much point in trying to patch things up.
* Each person has to take responsibility
No one is perfect, so playing the blame game is not going to work. No one is making excuses, but there might be reasons for the affair which need to be addressed seriously, no matter how difficult they might be.
* The affair has to end
As far as possible, the cheater needs to stop seeing the other person. This could be tricky if they have drifted into an affair with a colleague or neighbor, but boundaries need to be set.
* Honesty is the best policy
There’s no need to go into every gory detail about your intimacy with another person, but the cheater needs to be honest when answering questions about the affair, however painful it might be. If you missed your spouse’s birthday party because you were shacked up with your lover, this is not going to be the easiest thing to admit, but it is the only way to move forward and heal. It also helps stop them jumping to conclusions. If you missed it, maybe it had nothing to do with your lover, and everything to do with an emergency at work.
This also helps the injured party to determine what is "true" or not within their relationship. They feel lied to, betrayed, and deceived. It’s as if their whole foundation has been shaken to the core. They need to trust their judgement again, which can usually only happen through things like granting access to computer and cell phone passwords so they can have peace of mind. Think of it as the cheater being on probation, and needing to prove they are committed to making things work.
* Be honest about the reasons for trying again
If a couple has no children, it may be easier to walk away. Some couples with children, however, decide to stay together just for the sake of the kids. This may preserve the household, but the children are going to know the parents are at odds with each other. The older they are, the more likely they will be to figure out what is going on.
The last thing you want is for them to take sides or blame one parent over the other. You also don’t want them to think that your love for them can change or be easily transferred as it was in the affair. It’s important to be clear about all the reasons why each partner has decided to try again. Recovery may not happen, but at least you will be clear about your priorities and boundaries going forward.
What Counts as Cheating?
Most people in romantic relationships dread the idea of ever finding out that their partner is cheating on them. But with around 30% of all divorces due to infidelity, it’s important for everyone to consider the possibility, and how they would deal with it if it ever happened to them.
Studies show that 45 to 50% of women are unfaithful to their partners, and 60 to 65% of men. Does this mean all of these relationships end? No. It is up to each person to decide what they can live with versus what is a "deal breaker" for them.
Part of this process might involve defining what counts as cheating.
What Is Cheating?
Cheating refers to one person in a relationship engaging in activities which take away the intimacy that their partner has a reasonable right to expect within the relationship. It is not usually just about sex, but a lack of time together, the cheater being secretive and emotionally unavailable, and so on.
What Counts as Cheating to You?
It is important to define what you consider to be cheating, and to make it clear to your partner that these are the boundaries you expect to be set. Here are some common types of cheating many modern couples encounter.
Watching Porn (Too Much)
This might be a fun thing to do once in a while to stimulate fantasy in the bedroom, but a person turning to porn is turning away from their partner and real physical intimacy for the sake of a studio version of what sex is supposed to be like.
Emotional Cheating
In studies of people who have cheated, many people say it wasn’t really the sex, but the "way the person made them feel." Emotional cheating may include physical intimacy, but not necessarily. It could actually be a platonic friendship that starts to spill over into romance. Your partner is sharing so much with this other person that s/he is not sharing it with you. They might confide in the other person - not just about work, but about you too, sharing private things with a stranger. It can become so intimate that they become sexually involved, and your partner ends the relationship.
Cyber Cheating
With the popularity of the internet and online dating services, cheating is just a few mouse clicks away. At popular dating sites, your partner can live a fantasy life as they flirt online, and might even start to meet people in the real world. Cyber cheating is harder to catch because you have to monitor computer use, and perhaps even have the other person’s password to check what they are up to via email.
Is flirting ever harmless? In general, it is energy that could be directed to one’s own partner, so it can be considered cheating.
Text Message Cheating (Sexting)
Text message cheating and sexting have become more common, leading to endless embarrassment for top public figures who ought to have known better than to pursue teenagers or text a photo of their squashy bits to near strangers in the mistaken belief they were showing their best side.
Cheaters might text for dates, pass along personal information, and get emotionally involved even if they never meet. Sexting can get a person into a lot of trouble legally too, so if you catch your partner sexting, it’s time for a clear talk about boundaries and common sense.
Physical Cheating
Most couples can agree that having intimate physical relations with another person counts as cheating. It can range from hugging and kissing up to full sex. If you have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, these sorts of actions are clearly out of bounds.
What to Say to Your Partner If You Think They Are Being Unfaithful to You
This is not a conversation anyone ever wants to have, but studies show that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 30% of divorces result from infidelity. Planning for this worst-case scenario can actually strengthen yourself and your relationship as you own your feelings and set your boundaries.
Expressing Feelings
It is important to express feelings honestly in this situation, but you also need to show some wisdom and common sense. A couple of late nights in the office does not necessarily mean an affair, but if the pattern persists for more than a month, it’s time for the talk.
But it doesn’t have to be an outright accusation. Instead, fact find. Ask about why they are so busy at work. If you are not happy with the answers, preface what you say next with the sentence, "You know how much I value our relationship." Then address what is on your mind. "Is there anything I need to know?" or "How can we work together to so we don’t lose the togetherness we have?"
These are open-ended enough for the person to feel safe about expressing their own feelings. If they are going to fess up, you’ve opened the door in a non-hostile manner.
Don’t Accuse or Blame
A lot of partners use the formula, "You did this (on purpose)!" or, "You make me feel like that." The trouble is, actions are open to interpretation. What may seem designed to hurt you was probably no more than thoughtlessness. And no one can MAKE you feel anything. You need to sort your feelings based on the reality of each situation.
Using the example above again, you might say, "That’s the third time this week you’ve come home after 9 PM. Is there anything you want to tell me?" You could also say, "I know your career is important to you, but when you come home so late, I feel we don’t have enough time to really be close to each other. I need to feel close if we are going to be emotionally and physically intimate. Is this something we can work on together?"
Focus on Teamwork
For better or worse, they are the person you fell in love with. It would be foolish to throw it all away through unfounded accusations or out-of-control anger. Part of the reason people drift into affairs is because they do not feel understood or appreciated at home. Be sure your partner knows you value them and they are not being taken for granted, and expect the same respect in return.
If you don’t feel you are getting any respect, you could say something like, "I feel worried that we suddenly seem to be drifting apart. I know you’re busy, but I really value our time together. Is there some way we can work on this together so we can get things back in balance?"
Tell Them What You Want
Your partner is not a mind reader, nor are you. If you want something, you need to state it. You should have had a commitment/infidelity conversation long before this point. If you’re married, then it is included in the vows. But it is up to both partners to agree on boundaries, and most people would feel most secure in a committed, monogamous relationship.
If you think the other person is slipping, you could say something like, "We’ve already agreed that commitment and fidelity are essential in a relationship, and I am 100% committed to you. I feel that you might not be to me because of A, B, C (give a couple of specific examples). Is there anything you want to talk about?"
Infidelity is never an easy thing to discuss, but these suggestions can help make it easier to find out what (if anything) is really going on.
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